March 1, 2010

Ansar Abbasi: Musharraf Planning a 2nd Coup d’etat Through his Facebook Fan Page

Here is an image of the blueprint for the coup. Source: http://www.facebook.com/search/?q=pervez+musharraf&init=quick#!/pervezmusharraf?ref=search&sid=2231065.717778931..1

Karachi, Pakistan: Senior Jang and The News special amazing Pulitzer prize winning zabardast correspondent, Ansar Abbasi, has accused Retired General Pervez Musharraf of planning a 2nd coup through his Facebook fan page. As a guest appearing in the television show ‘Meray Mutabiq,’ Mr. Abbasi accused Pervez Musharraf of receiving millions of dollars from the United States and the corporation ‘Facebook’  to further his “undemocratic militaristic and US agenda.”

Mr. Abbasi said that the 150,000 ‘fans’ of General Musharraf are mostly retired army personnel and CIA agents posing as young patriotic Pakistanis. “No Pakistani can support such a dictator who set the country back into the 1970s. He just wants to entice young Pakistani minds into believing that he will help solve all their problems.” When pressed by host Shahid Masood as to how exactly will the coup be executed, Mr Abbasi said “according to my and only my senior anonymous sources in the upper chambers in the corridors of Pakistani intelligence who are familiar with deciphering Facebook poke requests, the United States will drop Humvees in Islamabad via Chinook helicopters and with the help of the Israelis and the Indians drive Musharraf to the Army House.”

After saying his controversial remarks, Mr. Masood and his studio audience applauded Mr. Abbasi for his intellectualism. According to press handouts, Mr. Abbasi is a renowned investigative journalist who has uncovered hundreds of high profile cases. His achievements include finding the charsi (drug addict) who stole the gutter lid from outside the Supreme Court, he broke the news that Nawaz Sharif has had a hair transplant, and he uncovered that Rehman Malik uses Kala Kola Hair Color on a daily basis. According to rumors, his coveted and hidden sources include the Chief Justice’s driver, a chai wala at the Presidency, Nawaz Sharif’s cook, and a bar tender at a retired 4 star General’s house.

News of the coup has sent shock waves in the ‘smoke filled rooms of power’ and in world capitals around the world. The news comes at a sensitive time, as Turkey recently arrested several retired military personnel accused of orchestrating a similar plot. In light of the investigation, Ansar Abbasi is asking the government to appoint Chief Justice Iftikhar Muhammad Chaudhry as the President and Chief of Army Staff, and to appoint Retired Justice Ramday Air Chief Marshal on an ad hoc basis.

In a video message on his Facebook page, Mr. Musharraf vehemently and unequivocally rejected Mr. Abbasi’s claims, stating that “He will do only what is best for the country and what the people of Pakistan ask him to do – everything is up in the air.” Political strategists believe that Mr. Musharraf is indeed planning on another coup with the help of current General Kayani, but is just ‘waiting for the right time.’

Maila Times has learned that The News has decided to upgrade Mr. Abbasi’s editorials to actual ‘news’ items, and will devote the entire front page from now on to Mr. Abbasi. “We firmly believe that Mr. Abbasi deserves to have his own front page,” said an anonymous chairman of The News. “Mr. Abbasi is a breath of fresh air in a news environment plagued with quacks, faux intellectuals, arm-chair analysts, and random tools trying to make everyone believe that their inside sources are trust worthy. Mr. Abbasi has repeatedly demonstrated that he is above all of that.”

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February 17, 2010

Javed Miandad Reminds Everyone That He is the Greatest

Javed Miandad, showing his passion for the game. Source: http://7.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_kurwtdiMrE1qaz0ebo1_500.jpg

Javed Miandad was kind enough to write an exclusive opinion piece on the state of Pakistani cricket for Maila Times. Here is his article, reproduced below:

To the glorious nation of Pakistani cricket fans,

Let’s just get it out in the open – I am the only hope for Pakistani cricket. I am a gem. I am the cure. I am the only hope. I am the savior. Only a true legend like me can bring us out of the deep hole that we are in.

What makes me qualified? Why, the simple fact that I am Pakistani, of course. Those gora coaches and trainers and physios don’t ‘understand’ Pakistani cricket. I mean, Inti is pretty much half British, so I wouldn’t call him a Pakistani – besides, he only won that world cup because I was the team’s best player. Also, no one loves Pakistan cricket more than I do, and love is the most powerful thing that anyone can have.

I need to be the coach of the Pakistan team. I also think that I should be the trainer. No, I know this. I have to also be the fielding coach. I have to be the batting coach. I have to be the bowling coach. I have to be the team psychologist. It is the only way to achieve team unity if I am appointed to all of these positions. I can handle it, really. It’s not like I’m too old or anything. Speaking of old, Wasim Bari is old. So are all of those other hacks in the PCB. In fact, I also need to be made chairman of the PCB. Yes, I know what you are thinking, and I am thinking the exact same thing. I should also be the chief and only selector, the chief financial officer, and the team manager. That way our boys will stay focused on and off the field.

Come to think of it, I think that I am going to come out of retirement now. In fact, I am going to be captain, because Pakistan needs a leader like me. Not a leader that quits like a baby every other day, or a leader who likes to eat on the job. We need a leader that can hit sixes off of the last ball. Did you guys even see that brilliant shot? Youtube it. I single handedly killed India in that game. You know what? We don’t need a playing 11 – I’ll be the playing 11. Other players are useless. I will be the bowlers, the batters, the fielders, and the wicket keeper all at the same time. Who needs Shahid Afridi or that young stud Umar Akmal when you got me? I guess Faisal Iqbal can play with me too. Not because he’s my nephew, but because he is the future after I leave. Trust me, it will work. I will win for our country without anyone’s help. Did I already say that I am a jewel?

All of you detractors don’t know anything. Sure, I might have a whiny voice and there are several viral video clips with my voice dubbed over silly things, but who cares? I am still the best player that Pakistan has ever had or will ever have. Who cares if my son is married to the daughter of an Indian terrorist that I will not name here but I think you all know who I am talking about? I am right in criticizing the team, the board, and the media every time we lose. That debacle in Australia was just sickening. It’s okay, though. I will restore this glorious nation to its’ peak again. To the people of Pakistan, I am your answer.

Javed Miandad
Supreme Awesome Cricket Player/Coach/Analyst/Chairman

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February 9, 2010

Qingqi Recalls 6 Millions Rickshaws

Seen here is one of the faulty rickshaw. Source:http://www.worldtrucking.info/Laender/Pakistan/Pakistan_1/P1.15.JPG

Karachi, Pakistan: Qingqi, one of the world’s largest manufacturers of rickshaws, is recalling almost six million rickshaws from Pakistan. Qingqi, a Chinese based company, is recalling the rickshaws due to faulty assembly techniques, which has caused thousands of rickshaws to be pollutant and noise free.  The recall comes just days after the largest vehicle manufacturer Toyota recalled millions of its vehicles in Japan and the United States due to faulty breaks and accelerator parts.

Pakistani importers and rickshaw union members told Maila Times that they recently noticed that several rickshaws in their fleet did not produce the obnoxious noise and air pollution that they usually do. Imran Rashid, chairman of the Auto Rickshaw Enthusiast Association (AREA), said that he is concerned by the improved quality of rickshaws. “All of a sudden, people no longer want to ride in rickshaws because they are all of a sudden ‘sophisticated,’” said Mr. Rashid. “People love the thrill to sit in a rickshaw and hear that constant buzz of a dying engine, but they are no longer able to experience that.”

There have been at least thirty reported incidents of rickshaws acting abnormally, which has resulted in massive psychological damages to their passengers and drivers. Pakistan’s minister of the environment Hameed Ullah Jan Afridi said in a statement issued to the press that the appropriate authorities will look into the matter and that the passengers’ safety is of utmost importance to him. “Faulty rickshaws are a detriment to the growth of democracy,” said Mr. Afridi, and that “Those foreign elements who are tampering with our rickshaws and improving their quality will be found out and brought to justice.” When asked to clarify if he believed that Indian intelligence agents were the culprits behind the change, Mr. Afridi said that evidence will be provided at the ‘appropriate time.’

Ms. Shabnam, a Pakistani woman who regularly travels by rickshaw, was in one of the rickshaws that had a fault. On the FTC flyover in Karachi, Ms. Shabnam was enjoying her ride when all of a sudden she could hear her own thoughts and could hear the traffic around her. “We were squashed in the backseat, hardly going at 10 km/hr, when all of a sudden my ears just popped,” explained Ms. Shabnam. “All of a sudden, the road was no longer bumpy and there was enough leg room for me to sit comfortably – I blacked out as a result from the shock of tranquility.” Ms. Shabnam was taken to Jinnah Hospital where she was treated for minor injuries.

Many rickshaw drivers are not so sure if the problem lies with faulty production. It appears that recent legislation disallowing rickshaw drivers to drive with their feet on the side-view mirror has caused uneven weight distribution. Mr. Khan Wala, a rickshaw operator, told reporters that the new legislation has caused his rickshaw to not run properly, and that newly implemented safety standards, computerized fare systems, state of the art exhaust silencers, and the removal of funky paint designs and slogans is threatening the rickshaw industry.

Spokesman for Qingqi were quick to defend their production techniques, saying that Mr. Afridi is correct in blaming foreign elements and that the passage of new legislation, rather than their assembly lines that have caused their rickshaws to be faulty. The spokesman said that despite this, they are still recalling their rickshaws as a ‘precautionary measure,’ and reiterated that it is still safe to drive Qingqi rickshaws.

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January 27, 2010

PIA’s New Marketing Plan to Focus on ‘Traditional’ Passengers

"Seen here is Mr. Khalid as he navigates his way through security." Source: http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/ABPub/2010/01/04/2010698356.jpg

Karachi, Pakistan: In an attempt to increase market share and revenue, Pakistan International Airlines (PIA) will target Pakistani passengers who have switched over to competitors, in an effort to bring them back to the national carrier. PIA’s revenue has been declining for the last few years due to poor customer service and mismanagement. The airline has also been outperformed by its competitors, including Air Blue, Emirates and Etihad. Executives at the national carrier say that this unique move will help PIA to get a hold of its core Pakistani consumers and turnaround the company’s fortune. Spokesman at the Ministry of Tourism are also pleased, saying that PIAs focus on improving their services will be a great way to display the ‘true’ nature and beauty of Pakistanis all over the world.

Arsalan Khalid, a thirty-three year old technician from Sargodha, has been named as the model passenger that PIA will try to bring back to the airline. Mr. Khalid said that he is ecstatic that PIA has decided to use him as a role model and will fly exclusively on PIA from now on. According to an internal PIA memo leaked to our correspondent, PIA believes that after Mr. Khalid’s last trip, Mr. Khalid’s demeanor represents a “cultured, well rounded, Pakistani gentleman,” and that PIA would be the perfect airline for people like him.

According to the memo, Mr. Khalid travelled from Abu Dhabi to Lahore on Etihad Airways in December. Mr. Khalid was returning from his first ever trip outside of Pakistan, where he was visiting one of his distant relatives. According to airport officials at Abu Dhabi International airport, Mr. Khalid had brought several pieces of luggage with him, including a shoddy crate of fruits, a pile of clothes tied and bundled into a white cloth, and an assortment of gifts, sweets, and Armani t-shirts packed into a bright pink 1970s style suitcase. After arguing at the check-in counter in a mishmash of broken English and Punjabi for why his luggage is not overweight and why he deserved a window seat, Mr. Khalid spent two hours going through security, and after several attempts, finally managed to find his boarding gate in Terminal 5. According to eye-witness accounts, Mr. Khalid was held up at security because the first time, he did not understand the concept of a ‘line’ and was yelled at by security officials for trying to cut in front of other passengers. On his second attempt, he did not know that he had to take off his belt and shoes, which resulted in further delays. On his third attempt, he forgot to take out the coins in his pocket, resulting in the scanner machine beeping and flashing red.

A section of the memo said that on the flight from Abu Dhabi to Lahore, several female airhostesses were appalled by the way that Mr. Khalid was treating them. Veronica Nguyen, an airhostess on his flight, said that Mr. Khalid would “continuously be staring at my legs, and would annoyingly keep pushing the assistance button, asking for water, orange juice, and why the plane hasn’t landed yet.” Upon entering the aircraft, Mr. Khalid sat in the wrong seat twice, ignoring the notation on his boarding pass and getting into fights with several other passengers who were angry with Mr. Khalid for refusing to change seats. Jibran Ilyas, a passenger sitting next to Mr. Khalid, said that Mr. Khalid failed to put on any deodorant, kept crawling over him to go to the bathroom, tried to light a cigarette several times, and spilled his fish biryani all over his lap when there was turbulence. Moreover, Mr. Khalid asked Mr. Ilyas at least three times during the flight if he was also going to Lahore, and how come his wife lets him go on business trips alone every month.

Once the plane landed, Mr. Khalid quickly got out of his seat to remove his stowed carry-on luggage, despite the plane still being in taxi with the seat belt sign on. “Even though several of the air crew repeatedly told Mr. Khalid to sit down and wait for the plane to come to a complete stop, Mr. Khalid was adamant on taking his briefcase,” said air captain Hamid Imtiaz. Once at the airport, Mr. Khalid continued to cut lines at immigration. When asked to explain his rude behavior by a fellow passenger, Mr. Khalid cheekily smiled and said “Koi baat nahi yaar. Apna mulk hai.”

As part of the marketing strategy, PIA will also not have any queues at check-in counters. Passengers carrying pink suitcases and boxes tied up in ropes will get an extra 10% discount on their flight. Punjabi will be the ‘official’ language inside the aircraft, which means that that captain announcements and the safety instructions will all be in Punjabi. Airhostesses will be encouraged to flirt with the passengers and to make passengers more comfortable with their friendliness. It is reported that PIA will also completely get rid of their seat belts, understanding that their passengers already sneakily try to not wear them.

A spokesman for the airline said that “If Pakistanis want to promote our culture when they mingle with people from all around the world, then they might as well do it on the national carrier”. “We’re confident that by using Mr. Khalid as a role model for other passengers, PIA will be able to get back all of their passengers that have been switching over to other airlines.”

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January 16, 2010

Poondi No Longer Considered a Shugal Activity

Salik seen here, disgusted by the haraam clothes. Source: Dailytimes

Lahore, Pakistan: In an interesting turn of events, recent surveys conducted this winter during Pakistan’s wedding season show that weddings are no longer massive poondi fests. Shaadi halls, which were once known as the best arenas for Pakistan’s favorite national pastime, no longer carry the same purpose. This chaotic change of events has caused mass confusion amongst shaadi hall owners, resulting in billions of rupees in lost profits and a sharp decline in the average level of ‘shugal.’

According to the report, the majority of Pakistan males said that before, their one and only incentive to attend shaadis was to engage in the act of poonding. However, when asked to explain why the sudden lack of interest in ‘bachis,’ the two major reasons for the decline in poondi at shaadis was aggressive aunties trying to scope out future son in laws and  that Pakistani men have now developed a taste for ‘seedhi saadhi larkiyan.’ Bilal Malik, a Lahori who takes pride in checking out ‘bachis,’ told Maila Times that these days, he prefers young pious Muslim women. “Yaar, aaj kal it’s a total dry scene. Chikni bachiyan tho milthi hi nahin hain, Allah ka shukar. We used to go to shaadis to catch glimpses of skin, ankle, shoulder, anything, magar ab tho it’s so disgusting!” said Mr. Malik. Salik Hussain, also a once avid shaadi attendee, said that “I would sit in the Marriott lobby and wait to see which shaadi the hottest girls would go to. Then, I would rush to grab front row seats. Once, I found myself sitting right in front of a girl wearing a see through lace kameez doing a solo dance to ‘Zara Zara Touch Me,’ – it was the best moment of my life back then, but now I realize how haraam that is.”

However, political analysts who looked over the surveys said that the madness can be attributed to female shaadi attendees no longer wearing sexy backless saris, spaghetti strap kameezes, and risqué white lace suits,’ rather than a change in male tastes.  Analysts at the Institute of Poondi Research (IPR) remarked that they have also noticed the change of behaviour by Pakistan men. Nadim Khan, a spokesman for the IPR, said that men no longer are whispering remarks such as “Baby choose me, baby choose me,” and no longer make kissing noises every time a girl walks by at shaadis. “They think that women would rather be treated with respect and kindness,” said Mr. Khan. “Now days, men never bring out any launda ways at weddings. Poondi is a Western phenomenon that was picked up by our youth after watching TV shows such as Jersey Shore.”

It also appears as though Pakistani females are no longer feeling the love. “I used to hate it when guys would whistle at me every time I left the house. But now, after the lack of attention, I don’t feel pretty anymore and it’s really made me depressed,” says Zainab Ali, a frequent shaadi attendee. Saira Ahmad, a dutiful friend who dances at weddings, says that “I don’t get any sort of appreciation for my skimpy clothing. No one tries elbowing me in my chest or grabbing my behind. I don’t even hear a single whistle. What’s the point of wearing barely anything, when no one acknowledges me? I used to despise it when videographers would upload my videos on You Tube, but now, I feel that a certain part of my life is missing.” When asked about what they will now do to attract Pakistani men, Zainab and Saira agree that they should sport oily hair, have acne filled makeup-less faces, and wear conservative flower/heart printed shalwar kameezes. “The outfits that my mother chooses and approves for me seem to be the sexiest now,” said Aisha Tariq, a student at LGS Defence who used to bring the boys to the yard. “She was right – mother does know best.”

[MT: This story was submitted by JR]

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December 16, 2009

Report: Pakistani Student Accused of Cheating

Shown here is Basit, studying for his final exam with his classmate and professor before the alleged incident. Source: http://today.appstate.edu/pakistan/

Austin, Texas: A Pakistani student at the University of Texas is under investigation for allegedly lying and making false excuses in order to get an extension on his exams and projects. Basit Mazhary, a senior mechanical engineering student at the university’s Austin campus, is charged with academic misconduct after lying to several of his professors about the death of his close family members back home. Basit’s professors became suspicious of Basit’s claims after several professors noted that Basit’s parents and grandfathers and siblings have all died at least three times each during the course of his college career.

According to reports, Basit’s mechanical engineering professor was initially sympathetic towards Basit when Basit informed him that he will not be able to take his final exam on time, as his mother back home passed away suddenly from cancer. According to Professor Andrew Kerner, he told Basit that he initially felt “Completely sorry for what Basit was going through,” especially since his father died during final exams last semester. “It must be so tragically sad for you and your family,” said Professor Kerner to Basit. Professor Kerner said that Basit was well known among his professors, as several of his professors have learned about the tragic passing of several of Basit’s family members over the years. “I thought that he just got so unlucky again,” said professor William Adams, one of Basit’s professors from last year. “Last year his grandmother passed away, and now his mother. Can this kid ever get a break?”

However, Professor Kerner got suspicious of Basit’s claim when one of his other students alerted Professor Kerner to Basit’s Facebook page. Apparently, Basit’s Facebook status was: “Haha professor sala wapas bewakoof ban gia.” Professor Kerner immediately translated it by using Google translator, and believed that Basit might be referring to the extension that he got after telling the professor that his mother had just passed away in Pakistan.

Professor Kerner forwarded his concern along to the Dean of Student Affairs Mrs. Samantha Wilson, who then initiated an inquiry and asked all of the professors who have taught Basit in the last four years to come testify if they have ever given Basit an extension. Reports leaked by the Dean’s office suggest that according to the excuses Basit has made in the past four years, his grandfather has passed away five times (twice from smoking, once from old age, and twice from a car accident), his grandmother thrice (once from cancer, once from being hit by a bus, and once from falling down the stairs), his great-grand mother twice (once from eating too much nihari which caused high blood pressure, and once from the shock of finding out that her grandson is going out with a ‘gori’ in London), his parents went through a divorce twice (both times he told the professors that his mom accused his dad of sleeping with the massi), his elder sister got married six times (but according to records, Basit is the only child), and that there were several instances of his family having financial problems that led him to skip home works and project deadlines.

Professors from other academic institutions around the United States were quick to back up the university’s allegations, noting that their Pakistani students to be victims “of a series of unfortunate circumstances” during exam times, and that “the likelihood of it being a coincidence is close to zero.” However, other students at the University of Texas were appalled at the report. Jordan Shipley, along with is roommate Colt McCoy, told Maila Times that “Pakistani students are the smartest that they know, and that we in fact cheat off of them several times.”

If the charges are proven, Basit could be expelled from the university. The university is suspecting that this might be a trend, and has sent out a memo to all of its professors to be more cautious before extending deadlines for Pakistani students. The Pakistan Foreign ministry has taken exception to these reports, calling these charges ‘baseless’ and ‘without merit.’ Spokesman for the Foreign Ministry said that this new policy is racist against Pakistanis, and that a Pakistani would never do such a thing to gain an unfair advantage academically. Ambassador Haqqani will travel to Austin and explain that these instances are not excuses, but are actually very real and “facts of life”.

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December 2, 2009

Pakistan Upholds Reputation as a Leader In Punctuality

Seen here are a group of brides, excited about getting married on time. Source: http://pkonweb.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/brides-make-up.jpg

Karachi, Pakistan: In recent rankings released by Forbes, Pakistan ranks 3rd in the world where weddings start on time. Pakistan was ranked behind Australia and Spain, where weddings start on average one minute after the scheduled time. The report, which was conducted by researchers from MIT and Karachi University, stated that only one out of every fifty weddings are delayed by more than ten minutes in Pakistan, and that almost 98% of  weddings start either on time or a maximum five minutes after the official time.

Researchers have attributed this ‘success’ to Pakistan’s history, government and religion, which all contribute to the culture where time is considered important. From government offices starting work at exactly 8am, to Friday prayers starting exactly when the imam’s watch strikes the exact second, Pakistanis have been notorious for always starting on time and for never being late for anything.

Researchers were also surprised to learn that even music concerts, which are generally delayed by hours in western countries, start exactly on time in Pakistan. Ali Azmat, a popular Pakistani singer, told Maila Times that he likes to start on time because he want to give his fans ample time to have phaddas, to harass girls, and to show their distaste for opening bands that play the same songs over and over again.

Maulana Haji Khan Makran agreed with the findings of the report, saying that “The importance of time in Islam cannot be overstated – five time daily prayers, fasting, and hajj all have specific times and that’s why we don’t delay our prayers by even a few seconds.” The maulana went on to say that muslims are anxious to open their fasts a couple of minutes before Maghrib, not because they are hungry from not eating all day, but because they respect breaking their fast on time.

Mr. Abdul Basit, whose daughter recently married his nephew, said that he was disappointed that his daughter’s wedding was delayed by three minutes, explaining that the lights went out and they had to wait for the backup generator. Mr. Basit told reporters that he pressured the maulana to read the nikah in the dark, but the maulana refused, as he wanted to ensure that all the witnesses were present and thus he had to delay the wedding. He went on to further say that his daughter was ready six hours before the function, but unfortunately it was Allah’s will that the wedding was delayed.

The Forbes report also mentioned that in addition to the Pakistani culture and tendency to do everything on time, Pakistanis also do not delay things for the sake of ‘important guests.’ According to the report, “Even though some random politician is running a few hours late, Pakistanis will never delay the start of their function to suck up to the politician, which is very commendable.”

Pakistan International Airlines was also a reason for boosting Pakistan’s ratings, as the report indicated that the national flag carrier was ‘exemplary’ in keeping on schedule. A spokesman for the airline was pleased by the findings, saying in a memo released to the press that “PIA continually strives for punctuality and is proud to be a leader in the airline industry in this regard.” In fact, foreign passengers who have never flown PIA before tend to miss their flight often, as PIA flights tend to depart a few minutes before their scheduled time.

Though most of the country is happy at the finding of the reports, opposition leader Nawaz Sharif believes that the third place ranking is not enough. Mr. Sharif is proposing on implementing a ban on biryani, sheermals, and nihari at weddings, as these dishes take time to cook and are the reason for the majority of delays.

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November 21, 2009

Pakistan Fashion Week Kills 90 Terrorists

This sexy pose by model Iraj reportedly killed 6 terrorists. Source: http://pakistans.com/wp-content/gallery/iraj/9.jpg

Karachi, Pakistan: News reports leaked to Maila Times indicate the recently held Pakistan Fashion Week in Karachi was responsible for killing 90 terrorists these past few weeks. Organizers of the show were pleased to learn that in addition to mesmerizing the fashion world with their haute couture, fashion shows held at the gala were also effective in fighting terrorism, one sexy catwalk at a time.

According to military spokesman Athar Abbass, Pakistan’s first ever fashion week was a huge success in the fight against terrorism. “The army, in cohorts with the nation’s top fashion designers, strategically planned the timing and logistics of the event to catch the miscreants off-guard,” said Mr. Abbas. “In addition to our surgical strikes, the pure sexyness and defiance of the fashion shows delivered an effective knock-out punch to the Taliban.” Mr. Abbas clarified that the fashion week was postponed twice not because of security concerns, but rather to better ‘coincide’ with the military’s operational plans.

In a press statement issued by the ISPR, scantily clad models, girls smoking cigarettes, fashionistas caked in make-up, and socialites looking out for Sunday Magazine photographers were the primary weapons used at the fashion week against the terrorists. “This overflow of defiance against the Taliban is a terrorist killing machine,” said arm-chair security analyst Ayesha Siddiqa.

However, it is still unclear how exactly terrorists were killed by the fashion week. Unnamed militants in South Waziristan reported that when their fellow militants heard of such defiance, they simply dropped dead. Other sources indicate that some militants were unable to ‘handle’ the extremely ‘haraam’ nature of fashion week and after looking at pictures and videos from the event, were shocked to death – literally. An anonymous militant who survived the four day event told Maila Times that it was “extremely difficult to control my breathing after seeing so many pairs of ankles, bare arms, ridiculous costumes, and attitudes that said ‘defiance.’” The militant said that he was able to survive because immediately after seeing the reports, he quickly went and held the hand of his fellow fighter.

Ayesha Tammy Haq, CEO of Pakistan Fashion Week, was pleased that the event was able to show the world that Pakistan is not just about terrorism. “This just proves that the way to fight terrorism is to shock them into submission with some skin,” said Ms. Haq. “I can’t wait for the New York Times to feature our event in their daily ‘feel-good’ story about Pakistan.”

Despite the success in killing terrorists, fashion designers and models participating in the event were disappointed that their hard work and designs were being overshadowed by the media’s coverage of the fashion week’s defiance against the Taliban. “That’s all fine and lovely, but can we please talk about my elegant ensemble of patchwork motif?” asked fashion designer Sonya Battla. Nadia Hussain, a prominent model, was also upset  that instead of the media focusing on her catwalk, the media was too busy looking for a look of ‘defiance’ on her face.

Interior Minister Rehman Malik was quick to point out that the PPP and the President are supporters of the thriving fashion industry in Pakistan and that the democratically elected government by the democratic loving people of Pakistan voted for ‘sexy.’

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November 11, 2009

Report: Pakistanis Following Traffic Laws Cause Road Accident

lahore

Remnants of the traffic incident, shown here moments after it happened. Source: http://img.metblogs.com/lahore/files/2009/01/lahore_superman.jpg

Lahore, Pakistan: Police officials reported yesterday that strangely for the first time in Lahore’s history, people temporarily followed the traffic laws, resulting in mass confusion and several accidents. The report said that at 3:35 PM at the intersection of Main Boulevard and Jail Road, all of the cars present at the traffic stop obeyed the red lights, respectfully and obediently waiting their turn to move forward, did not obnoxiously honk their horns, did not yell abusive curse words in Urdu, or try to overtake in the wrong direction. However, by following the traffic rules, people at the intersection were confused by the sudden sense of orderliness, causing a massive pile up of cars, donkey carts, rickshaws, bicycles, and motorcycles.

Akber Imtiaz, the traffic cop who was on duty at the time of the incident, said that he noticed something was strange when he did not have to blow into his whistle or make gestures with his arms telling cars to stop. “It was as if everyone was all of a sudden possessed by a jinn telling them to obey the law,” said Mr. Imtiaz. “I found myself there just scratching my head and confused as to how or rather why everyone stopped at the red light.” Traffic statistics indicate that it takes the average Pakistani to stop at a red light 15 seconds after the red light comes on. However, Mr. Imtiaz noticed that the cars stopped right when the lights turned yellow. “I got so confused that I had to call for backup with my walkie-talkie, but unfortunately no one else was able to come in time as they were busy collecting bribes…I mean protecting our citizens.”

Photographs taken from security cameras nearby combined with satellite images taken at the time of the incident show that there were approximately 30 vehicles involved at the intersection when the incident occurred. The images also indicate that all street beggars at the time lined up on the sidewalk, instead of lingering on the streets. After everyone followed the laws, however, the commuters all of a sudden decided to make a mad dash, resulting in a huge pile up that left 15 people injured, including an innocent coconut wala selling coconut bits on the sidewalk.

Karim Khan, who was the first car to stop at the stop light, said he had felt a sudden urge to follow the law. “Coordinated chaos in this country cannot sustain itself forever,” said Mr. Khan. “Sooner or later, we’re going to all have to follow the law!” Mr. Khan’s actions spurred on fellow drivers to not rush and slow down at the light. According to eyewitnesses, there were no cars or other vehicles honking their way through the red light. “It was as if an aura had descended from heaven upon the intersection,” said one bystander.

It appears though that after the momentarily lapse in sane judgment amidst the confusion, everyone decided to revert back to the status quo and press onto the accelerator. Once the plume of smoke subsided, tangled wreckage was seen all over the intersection. “In the future, I will no longer follow the law,” said Mrs. Rizvi, who was driving a Honda City during the incident. “If we had just driven the way that we always do, then this would have never happened.”

The incident has sparked an internal investigation by Interior Minister Rehman Malik, who has refused to comment on any speculations as to why this strange event occurred, but sources indicate that Mr. Malik privately blames elements within the ISI in rigging the light to hypnotize travelers in obeying the law.

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November 11, 2009

Details Leaked About Zardari & Nawaz’s Meeting

nawaz-zardari

President Zardari and Nawaz Sharif, addressing the media after their meeting. Source: http://news.xinhuanet.com/english/2008-03/09/xin_152030510072773424351.jpg

Islamabad, Pakistan: The highly anticipated meeting last week between President Zardari and opposition leader Nawaz Sharif did not result in any agreement, much to the disappointment of several journalists and qualified defense analysts across the country. The highly charged 90 minute meeting did not result in any breakthrough between the two leaders, prompting several observers to question what exactly happened during the meeting. PML-N and PPP members who were part of the delegation have remained tight lipped, and have refused to comment on any speculation.

However, two weeks after the meeting, Maila Times has had a chance to make exclusive secret contacts with some ‘higher ups’ in the government, who agreed to talk to Maila Times provided that they remained anonymous, as they are not authorized to talk to the media. Maila Times has exclusively found out that President Zardari and Nawaz Sharif dueled in an epic 90 minute carrom board game, while the members of each delegation cheered their respective leaders on. The carom board that was used was specially designed for the occasion, where it was made at Raiwind and was given finishing touches at Naudero. The manufacturer, in line with requests by the President’s House, engraved a picture of Benazir Bhutto onto the board, so as to match the same framed picture that President Zardari carries around with him in his pocket.

According to our sources, the game was marred with a lot of controversies, as the PML-N complained that President Zardari had a home court advantage. This matter was settled by allowing Nawaz Sharif to go first with the striker. However, when one of President Zardari’s goti stopped right at the edge of the pocket, he complained that there was not enough boric powder, and accused the PML-N of purposely removing the powder to gain an unfair advantage. In protest, members of the PML-N delegation staged a walkout from the room, screaming “We will not return until the 17th amendment is repealed!” However, Rehman Malik and Babar Awan convinced Nawaz Sharif to return and told them all matters would be amicably resolved after the meeting. After being placated, Nawaz Sharif asked to see the bed in which Zardari and the Americans slept in, but his request was respectfully declined by the staff members of the President’s House.

After President Zardari won the match, Nawaz Sharif complained of being hungry, so they all took a lunch break where the party members ate Dunkin Doughnuts dipped in nihari. The source pointed out that Nawaz Sharif is very health conscious and refused to have his usual glass of lassi, so he instead had a single gulab jamman for dessert.

After the meeting, the two leaders decided to meet again to discuss other pressing issues facing the country, including the amount of dishes allowed to be served at weddings.

However, two weeks after the meeting, Maila Times has had a chance to make exclusive secret contacts with some ‘higher ups’ in the government, who agreed to talk to Maila Times provided that they remained anonymous, as they are not authorized to talk to the media. Maila Times has exclusively found out that President Zardari and Nawaz Sharif dueled in an epic 90 minute carrom board game, while the members of each delegation cheered their respective leaders on. The carom board that was used was specially designed for the occasion, where it was made at Raiwind and was given finishing touches at Naudero. The manufacturer, in line with requests by the President’s House, engraved a picture of Benazir Bhutto onto the board, so as to match the same framed picture that President Zardari carries around with him in his pocket.

According to our sources, the game was marred with a lot of controversies, as the PML-N complained that President Zardari had a home court advantage. This matter was settled by allowing Nawaz Sharif to go first with the striker. However, when one of President Zardari’s goti stopped right at the edge of the pocket, he complained that there was not enough boric powder, and accused the PML-N of purposely removing the powder to gain an unfair advantage. In protest, members of the PML-N delegation staged a walkout from the room, screaming “We will not return until the 17th amendment is repealed!” However, Rehman Malik and Babar Awan convinced Nawaz Sharif to return and told them all matters would be amicably resolved after the meeting. After being placated, Nawaz Sharif asked to see the bed in which Zardari and the Americans slept in, but his request was respectfully declined by the staff members of the President’s House.

After President Zardari won the match, Nawaz Sharif complained of being hungry, so they all took a lunch break where the party members ate Dunkin Doughnuts dipped in nihari. The source pointed out that Nawaz Sharif is very health conscious and refused to have his usual glass of lassi, so he instead had a single gulab jamman for dessert.

After the meeting the two leaders decided to meet again soon to discuss pressing issues facing the country, including the amount of dishes allowed to be served at weddings.

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October 29, 2009

Local Girl Decides to Say No To Arranged Marriage

guy

Asif seen here, anticipating his 'asli night of action' on the day of his failed nikkah. Source: http://punjab.olx.com.pk/love-making-guy-iid-17855667

Lahore, Pakistan: Hina Rehmat, a 17 year old girl who lives in Lahore, made history yesterday by refusing to marry the groom chosen by her parents. For the first time in Pakistan’s history, a Pakistani girl has said “Qabool nei hai” instead of “Qabool hai” at her own nikkah.  Her refusal to marry the chosen groom sent shockwaves across the country, causing mass pandemonium and riots in the streets.

Hina’s refusal at the wedding party erupted into chaos when Hina refused her 45 year old, two time divorced 1st cousin Asif Shah Quresh.  Mr. Quresh’s family was outraged at Hina’s refusal, claiming that they had already booked the Pearl Continental for the wedding and that the cancellation would bring ‘shame’ to their family. Friends of Mr. Quresh who attended the nikkah told Maila Times that Mr. Quresh is absolutely ‘devastated’ and ‘heartbroken,’ as Mr. Quresh believed that Hina is his soul mate and that he had been looking forward to some ‘asli action’ that night. When asked to clarify what ‘asli action’ meant, his friends said that Mr. Quresh has always fantasized about having a woman “Cook daal for him and iron his shalwar late into the night.”

Wedding guests state that after the three shocking words were spoken, aunties at the wedding formed a circle around Hina’s mother, saying phrases such as ‘koi baat nei’ and ‘bachi hai samajh jai gi’ in attempts to console her. In a bizarre twist, sources informed Maila Times that the same group of aunties was spotted later outside the wedding hall, sucking up to the groom’s furious mother by offering their own daughters and nieces in place of Hina. Despite the auntie’s best efforts, witnesses say that Mrs. Quresh could be heard wailing at the top of her lungs “Mera beta accountant hai!” over and over again.

Upon further investigation, police uncovered that Mrs. Rehmat, who was still hysterical after coming home, had resorted to verbally attacking her shell shocked husband, accusing him of spoiling their daughter. Police reports indicate that Miss Rehmat accused her husband of allowing their daughter to read ‘Archie Comics,’ which had corrupted their young daughter’s mind. “Who in the world does she think she is to defy us by not submitting to our wishes,” screamed Hina’s mother to her husband, “And doesn’t she know that she can only be happy if we’re happy and if she blindly follows everything that we say? She is a good for nothing independent thinking woman and it is all your fault!”

Disgruntled family members from both sides took to the streets afterwards, burning tires and overturning buses. After the news was broadcast on PTV, thousands of people all over the country joined the rioting, and blamed the CIA for putting ‘sinful’ ideas into the heads of the country’s women.

After hearing that violence had erupted as a result of her actions, Hina held a brief conference to clarify her position and placate the rioting crowd. Hina justified her actions earlier that night by stating that she was deceived by Asif’s ‘shaadi.com’ profile, as he had put a picture of Atif Aslam as his own picture, and had claimed that he was very handsome and loved to take long romantic drives in his Mercedes. However after seeing him person, she was shocked to discover that her Atif Aslam was in fact her 1st cousin  Asif and that he drove a rickshaw instead of a car.

Hina, however, dropped a bombshell which only heightened the ongoing violence by saying that she has another secret ‘lahwver’ and that she is going to go elope with him.

Meanwhile, a bootleg video of the incident was leaked onto Youtube by the cameraman at the wedding. The video can be found on Youtube by searching ‘Youngz sexy hot Pakistni girlzzz dancinnn mujrrrAa kissy faces.’

[MT: The story was submitted by an anonymous reader]

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October 16, 2009

Khan-Ahmed Bill to Provide Massive Foreign Aid to American People

Caption: Senator Maulana Gul Naseeb Khan, seen here promoting friendship between the United States and Pakistan. Source: http://www.senate.gov.pk/images/Members/GulNaseeb12.jpg

Caption: Senator Maulana Gul Naseeb Khan, seen here promoting friendship between the United States and Pakistan. Source: http://www.senate.gov.pk/images/Members/GulNaseeb12.jpg

Islamabad: The Pakistani Parliament today signed into law the Khan-Ahmed Bill to promote the un-wielding, life-long, and un-testable relationship between the people of Pakistan with the democratic institutions and military of the United States of America. The bill, sponsored by Senators Maulana Gul Naseeb Khan from NWFP and Senator Hafiz Rasheed Ahmed from FATA, was unanimously signed into law amidst hollering and fist-thumping jubilation in the Senate, and demonstrates the ‘undying commitment’ of Pakistan’s support for the United States. Despite the passage of the bill, however, there have been widespread demonstrations against the bill by the American public, calling it a ‘slap in the face’ and ‘peanuts.’

The Khan-Ahmed Bill came about due to widespread criticism from the American public’s perception of Pakistan’s policies towards the North American region, which has continuously undermined Pakistan’s ability to effectively implement their foreign policy goals towards Canada, Mexico, and the United States. The American public has distrusted Pakistanis and their motives since the Cold War, accusing Pakistan of purposely opening ‘several gas stations and convenience stores’ as fronts for the ISI for global hegemony. “They don’t really care about us,” said former Senator Chuck Hagel. “They are attacking the Christian world for their own motives,” said Senator Hagel, “And are using us as a client-state to further the Pakistani agenda, whatever that may be.”

The bill, as passed by the senate, calls for Pakistan to send 1.5 billion pounds of mangoes, 300 million pounds of Lipton chai, 200 million Molty Foam mattresses, 100 million pounds of Nirala sweets, 50 million packs of Tuc Biscuits, 10 million bottles of Kala Kola Hair Color, and 5 million pairs of Bata Shoes annually for the next ten years. “It’s a great way for the American people to know that they are on the forefront of our minds,” said Senator Muhammad Talha Mahmood. “In addition to addressing American concerns, this generous show of foreign aid also allows Pakistani producers access to American markets, which is a win-win situation for everyone,” said Senator Talha. Senator Afia Zia also echoed Senator Talha’s sentiments, saying that “Pakistan’s commitment of foreign aid to the democratic institutions and to the people of America demonstrates our sincerity towards having a better relationship with ‘Joe the Plumber,’ rather than the Pentagon and CIA.”

Despite the influx of foreign aid, Americans are still extremely wary of the bill, saying that it doesn’t do enough to reconcile the rocky relationship between the two countries. “The influx of Pakistani goods undermines the ability of American capitalism to function properly,” said a Wall Street analyst. Sarah Jenkins, a state congresswoman of Maine, denounced the bill as undermining the respect and sovereignty of the United States. Other politicians and political analysts are also angry that the bill is conditional upon ‘evaluations’ by Pakistani auditors. The auditors will do monthly evaluations on the ‘level of democracy’ in the country, the amount of military aid that the United States provides to Israel, the continued assimilation of African American’s into society, and the general amount of sexuality that permeates American television and social gatherings. If the United States is unable to control the previous mentioned stipulations, then Pakistan will accordingly reduce the amount of Rooh Afza that it exports, as well as reduce access for Hollywood actresses to child refugees in Pakistan.

The outrage of the bill has sparked rumors that President Obama will be replacing American Ambassador to Pakistan Anne Patterson for undisclosed reasons. Rush Limbaugh, a prominent conservative political pundit, believes that the Pentagon has pressured President Obama to replace the Ambassador, as she was “Unable to look out for the military’s and country’s interests.”

Despite the reservations, President Obama has welcomed the bill. Citing the preamble of the bill, President Obama said that the bill “Shows the un-dying commitment of friendship, mutual respect, enhanced understanding, life-long camaraderie, pursuit of mutual and long-term interests of not just the governments and military, but between the people of the two respective nations, and the tangible platonic love between them.”

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October 7, 2009

‘Expert’ Guitar Player Quits After Lack of ‘Bachis’

Haroon, seen here failing to master the B Pentatonic Minor Sclale. Source: http://media.photobucket.com/image/pakistani%20concert/dan_rox/str-src/str-src-10.jpg

Haroon, seen here failing to master the B Pentatonic Minor Scale. Source: http://media.photobucket.com/image/pakistani%20concert/dan_rox/str-src/str-src-10.jpg

Lahore, Pakistan: Haroon Masood, a relatively unknown underground guitar player, has decided to call it quits after floating around in obscurity the past few months. Haroon, who is a 2nd year A-Levels student at Aitchison College, was reportedly frustrated at his lack of popularity and was ‘disappointed’ at the lack of ‘bachis’ throwing themselves at him.

Despite playing guitar for over two months and performing at a couple of school gigs, Haroon informed his friends yesterday that he will “No longer be mesmerizing them with his virtuosic abilities.” In an Orkut message to all of his fans, Haroon said that he has decided to stop trying to be the next Salman Ahmed because playing the guitar “Just wasn’t working out, and people don’t know what good music is in this country.”

Haroon explained to Maila Times that he doesn’t understand why his music was being unappreciated. “I mean, every concert I play ‘Wonderwall’ and ‘With or Without You,’ which is the ultimate bachi playlist.” According to Haroon, he has also been playing the guitar long enough to be considered ‘amazing.’ “I can like, play over six chords, and I can even play B-Minor and switch to a D Suspended 2nd. I’m sure that I could even conquer bar chords if I continued to play for another six months.”

Haroon never imagined it to be like this, as he thought that within a few months he’d be the #1 rocker of Pakistan and would be asked to play on Coke Studios. “I didn’t know it would be so hard,” said Haroon. “I thought that all I would have to do is learn a few dinky chords, pretend that I like ’90’s rock music, and then I would be good to go.” His inability to swoon ladies, however, has made Haroon realize that his ambitions were rather silly.

Haroon’s decision to quit came after his disastrous show a few nights ago. At Haroon’s last concert at Lahore Grammer School’s Defense (LGS) branch, there were only a handful of girls soaking up Haroon’s self-described ‘awesomeness.’ It was a forgettable show for Haroon though, as his V-amp all of a sudden malfunctioned, causing him to mess up his rhythm. “I can only play in 4/4 and only strum down strokes – the V-amp is what makes me sound so badass, but unfortunately I messed up the ‘delay’ settings and it automatically de-tuned my guitar. If only you heard me play with all of the cool effects, then you would know how good I am. Thankfully, though, there weren’t too many girls there to watch me fail that night.” An anonymous girl who was at the concert described Haroon’s guitar playing ability as ‘pathetic.’ Another girl said that Haroon can’t even compare to her boyfriend, who can play “every Dave Matthews Band and Lifehouse song.”

Even though Haroon has an Ovation guitar which he overpaid for, Ali Noor from Noori says that it’s not what guitar you have, but how you play it. “Sure, he can play a few U2 songs and that one overplayed Pink Floyd song, but he really needs to come up with a controversial song like ‘Bhenchod’ as Ali Hamza and I did. I would suggest him to name his song ‘Shalwar mein talwaar’. ” Meekal Hassan, who gave Haroon guitar lessons, said that “Haroon still has a long way to go before he can get famous. “I mean firstly, his hair isn’t even long enough,” said Mr. Hassan. “2nd, if he wants bachis, then he needs to have a sexy red PRS guitar like mine.”

For the meantime, Haroon has decided to pursue his musical dreams by going a different route – by mixing and making beats on his pirated copy of ‘Fruity Loops.’ “The great thing about Fruity Loops is that no one can tell if I made the beat or if it was pre-loaded. This way for sure I can pick up those LGS bachis and spin my tunes at the next LUMS concert. I’m thinking of making my new name DJKewldhoodh.” If that doesn’t work out for Haroon, he will try to make a music video like Waqar Zaka, and accept the fact that the Pakistani public isn’t ready for his unique taste in music.

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Haroon’s decision to quit came after his last disastrous show a few nights ago. At Haroon’s last concert at Lahore Grammer School’s Defense (LGS) branch, there were only a handful of girls soaking up Haroon’s self-described ‘awesomeness.’ It was a forgettable show for Haroon though, as his V-amp all of a sudden malfunctioned, causing him to mess up his rhythm. “I can only play in 4/4 and only strum down strokes – the V-amp is what makes me sound so badass, but unfortunately I messed up the ‘delay’ settings and it automatically de-tuned my guitar. If only you heard me play with all of the cool effects, then you would know how good I am. Thankfully, though, there weren’t too many girls there to watch me fail that night.”[WAA1] An anonymous girl who was at the concert described Haroon’s guitar playing ability as ‘pathetic.’ Another girl said that Haroon can’t even compare to her boyfriend, who can play “every Dave Matthews Band and Lifehouse song.”

 

 

 

 

[WAA1]Make him sound cool. How my 500W amp and other branded equipment make me sound better than all pros in Pakistan. It’s just that the drummer made me mess up.

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October 3, 2009

President to Take Brief Five Day Break From His 360 Day Foreign Tour

President seen here feeling at 'home'. Source: http://graphics8.nytimes.com/images/2009/04/05/magazine/05zardari-600.jpg
President seen here feeling at ‘home’. Source: http://graphics8.nytimes.com/images/2009/04/05/magazine/05zardari-600.jpg

Islamabad, Pakistan: In a surprising move, the Office of the Presidency announced that President Zardari will embark on an epic five day domestic tour of the country, in attempt to reign in domestic donors and to find new ‘friends’ of Pakistan. In a statement issued by the President’s secretary, President Zardari decided that it was “about time” that he spent some time in Pakistan, and believes that his son, Bilawal Bhutto, should learn about his country first-hand. President Zardari’s trip to Pakistan will take place in between his upcoming trips to Dubai and China.

According to an official spokesman, President Zardari thinks that it is important to grace his electorate and the people of Pakistan with his presence, and that it is absolutely imperative for the stability of the country that he improves bilateral relations between the Presidency and the people of Pakistan.

During his five day tour, President Zardari will spend most of the time at the President’s House, meeting important politicians and businessmen. The President is scheduled to sign important trade agreements, and via a television address on PTV, will explain to the people of Pakistan that he is a ‘commoner’s common man’ and is successfully implementing the revenge of democracy.

According to leaked excerpts from his television speech, the President will remind the people of Pakistan that “it was MY wife who died for democracy, MY party that has sacrificed leaders, thousands of MY soldiers have died in the war of terror, and if you want ME to continue to improve the economy of Pakistan then you all will need to pay ME to secure more loans.” Inside sources indicate that just for the occasion, President Zardari has bought a new picture frame for the picture of his late wife.

Responding to domestic criticism that he is never in the country and is wasting millions of dollars on exuberant trips, President Zardari said “Toh, what’s the matter? I don’t need to be physically present to make important decisions. Besides, everything can be done on the internet these days with the click of a mouse.” The Finance Ministry also said “It’s important to the President that his 120 member entourage be with him at all times and that they are kept happy, as only when they are happy is the President happy. If that means going to strip clubs and going on lavish shopping trips for the bibis, then so be it.”

President Zardari has also scheduled a one hour meeting with the Prime Minister and Nawaz Sharif, where he will be reminding them that even though he is hardly ever in the country, he’s still the boss. The leaders will be briefed by top military personnel and are expected to hold a brief press conference where local school girls will perform traditional Pakistani dances.

In addition to his official meetings, President Zardari and his son Bilawal Bhutto will be touring the country’s historical sites, where President Zardari hopes that Bilawal will learn about the eclectic cultures that form his own country.

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September 23, 2009

PTA Calls Strike Against Lewd Females

A group of girls oggling at some men in Karachi. Source: http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3246/3120082666_efd654d9c9.jpg

A group of girls oggling at some men in Karachi. Source: http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3246/3120082666_efd654d9c9.jpg

Karachi, Pakistan: The Pakistan Transport Association (PTA) has called for a ‘payya jam’ throughout the country tomorrow to protest against the immoral, un-Islamic and rude behavior of female passengers who use public transportation. Sardar Mazhar Awan, chairman of the PTA, said that the strike will continue indefinitely until the government takes action against the women passengers. Men across the country welcomed the call for the strike, calling for the government to issue an official statement condemning the lewd behavior displayed by female passengers, as many of them feel perpetually violated and feel uncomfortable when commuting or shopping in public.

Abdul Wahid, a resident of Pak Colony in Karachi, told Maila Times that these days, it’s almost impossible to travel by bus in the city – not because of the traffic, but because of lurking and lust-filled eyes. He said that even though women sit separately in front of the bus, most women will turn back and look flirtatiously at the men sitting behind them. He also said that many of the women would high five each other and whistle whenever he would walk by. “I feel disrespected and do not appreciate being treated like a piece of meat,” said Mr. Wahid. Several mini-bus conductors who were interviewed by our reporters corroborated Abdul Wahab’s claims. Whenever the conductors try to collect fees from female passengers, the female passengers would make sure to ‘accidently’ touch the conductors and would constantly look below the conductor’s waistlines. “It is very awkward having them stare at me in that way,” said one mini-bus conductor. “I don’t feel comfortable being in public anymore. Humein sharam aata hai.”

Asghar Lahori, a wagon owner in Rawalpindi, was livid and threatened to kick out any women who showed ‘questionable characteristics.’ “We live in an Islamic and conservative society, but these women think they can get away by sexually harassing men. I cannot send my 20 year old son to college by bus anymore, in fear that a woman may try to molest him,” he said.

Shop keepers on Tariq Road are also feeling the negative effects of the women’s indecent antics, and have expressed their approval of the strike organized by the PTA. Jibran Junaid, a shopkeeper on Tariq Road, says that there are always groups of females sitting outside his shop, lurking around and waiting for young innocent men to pry on. “They hoot, they holler, and in some cases they even subtlety try to go and grab an ass,” said Mr. Junaid. Pasha Khalid, another store owner who sells pirated CDs and hair combs from his push-cart, said that he has seen a 60% drop in sales the past couple of years due to the ‘revitalization of the feminine sexual drive.’ “If something is not done to keep these maila women out, then we’ll all go out of business,” said Mr. Khalid. “The way that they stare…it’s as if they’ve never seen a man’s ankle before.”

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September 16, 2009

Girl Manages to Avoid Awkwardness at Local Pharmacy

Mehreen and her boyfriend seen here, strolling happily down the street after buying their goods. Source: http://images.thesun.co.uk/picture/0,,2006510675,00.jpg

Mehreen and her boyfriend seen here, strolling happily down the street after buying their goods. Source: http://images.thesun.co.uk/picture/0,,2006510675,00.jpg

Lahore, Pakistan: Mehreen Amjad, a 21 year old student at the Lahore University of Management Sciences, told reporters today that for the first time in her life, she managed to buy a packet of pads without any hesitation, awkward pauses, or creepy stares from the sales clerk. Mehreen explained to reporters that she fills emboldened and ‘full of life’ after her adventure, and feels confident that from now on, she will “no longer have to feel like she is buying contraband.”

Mehreen said that when she walked into Zaka Pharmacy on MM Alam Road, she went straight to the counter and with a straight face, asked for a box of ‘Always’ pads. Allegedly, the sales representative behind the counter was so shocked by Mehreen’s confidence that he did not smirk, stare down her shirt, or pretend that he did not know what she meant. After paying for the pads, Mehreen turned around and walked out of the store in ‘normal’ fashion. “It was really exhilarating,” said Mehreen. “I felt like a normal woman for a change. I only wish that they sold tampons here.”

Local women who heard the story quickly made way to Zaka Pharmacy, eager to feel like they were not buying something haraam for a change. “After I heard how normal it was for Mehreen, I just had to try it out for myself,” said Tooba Zafar. Tooba said that for the first time, the stores clerk did not bombard her with a series of questions. “Usually, they purposely act stupid and say ‘Madam, pads? Woh kia hota hai?’ or ‘Madaam ji, aap cricket khelti hain?’ or ‘Baji, let me ask my boss if we carry pads.’ This is all done, of course, while they ogle down my shirt.” Within a few minutes, Zaka Pharmacy’s supply of pads had run out, causing a riot outside of the store. Police were quickly called to disperse the protestors.

Despite the increase of sales, however, a spokesman for Zaka Pharmacy said that he was “absolutely appalled” by the behavior of the sales clerk and has put him on temporary leave while they conduct an internal investigation. “It is not the policy of our store clerks to act normal when women are buying ‘feminine’ products,” said the spokesman. “I apologize on behalf of our company for the lack of an awkward situation by our staff and promise that this will never happen again.”

In an interview with Maila Times, Mehreen said that her boyfriend is not always as lucky as her. “Whenever he tries to buy condoms, it’s just terrible,” described Mehreen. In fact, Mehreen’s boyfriend, who wishes to remain anonymous, said that every time he goes to buy condoms, he first nervously shuffles around the store, picks up a few packets of gum, a calling card, some candy, and then while paying for his items, at the last second says to the clerk “oh haan Saathi bhi dedo.” “I never look at them straight in the eye,” said Mehreen’s boyfriend.

While an open and honest discourse on sexual health and STD prevention is lacking in Pakistan, various local groups are trying to change society’s attitude towards the subject. Hina Jaffer, President of Educating Backward Mullahs (EBM), said that Mehreen’s story reflects the positive change that is slowly taking place around the country. According to Ms. Jaffer, EBM strives to promote sex education by stealing black markers from textbook censors, teaching men the anatomy of the female body, and that ‘rubber’ does not only mean a pencil eraser.

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September 16, 2009

Nation’s Youth Corrupted By English Football

Danish Kaneria: "I don't know why young boys idolize Rooney over me and I don't know why young girls fantasize about C. Ronalado over me." Source: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/1/1f/Danish_Kaneria.jpg/230px-Danish_Kaneria.jpg

Danish Kaneria: "I don't know why young boys idolize Rooney over me and I don't know why young girls fantasize about C. Ronalado over me." Source: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/1/1f/Danish_Kaneria.jpg/230px-Danish_Kaneria.jpg

Karachi, Pakistan: Bilal Mohammad, a 15 year old student at the Lyceum School, is one of millions of children in Pakistan who are forced to enjoy the English Premier League (EPL) every year. Research conducted by the Institute for Child Development (ICD) indicates that boys in elite schools across the sub-continent are coerced, peer-pressured, and sometimes even violently forced by their peers to enjoy watching the EPL. On average, the typical fan needs to have a favorite team, player, coach, strategy, ground, assistant coach, and girlfriend/wife of a player in order to be socially acceptable.

Bilal, who grew up playing cricket on the streets outside of his house, said that “Honestly, I love watching Danish Kaneria bowl or watching Rahul Dravid cover drive during a test match. But during recess at school, all my friends talk about the goal from Rooney or why Wenger should have played 4-4-2 instead of 4-5-1. I am just not part of the ‘cool’ group in school,” he said solemnly. As a result of Bilal’s reluctance to genuinely enjoy watching English football, he has been constantly ostracized by his students and has to eat lunch all by himself during lunchtime. “I just wish people would accept me for who I am,” said Bilal, with tears streaming down his face.

Researchers at the IDC point out that the knowledge and understanding of the game increases as a child gets older, and that 18-20 year olds are expected to talk about transfer markets, detailed strategies, the economics & merits of different leagues, and should be able to argue for hours at length as to whether or not a penalty was given incorrectly by a referee. Bilal, however, would rather discuss the upcoming cricket Champions Trophy or the expectations of the return of fast bowler Mohammad Asif. “I have no one to talk to,” said Bilal. “Just because I don’t follow the mob, it doesn’t mean that I can’t enjoy the things that I like also.” Despite his troubles, Bilal still reluctantly follows Manchester United and has posters of Wayne Rooney all over his wall.

Rahim Akbar, an 18 year old student who also studies at the Lyceum, refuses in principle to watch any form of football. “Seriously have you heard these guys talk?” he asked with a look of disgust on his face. “They think just by watching few games a month, they know how Mourinho should have managed the game or why substituting Fletcher at the 70th minute was a stupid move from Ferguson. These fake pundits are such wanna be goras, using their superficial knowledge to make friends and get laid.”

The trend isn’t just limited to boys – Batool Imtiaz told Maila Times that her boy friend has spent hours trying to convince her that Christiana Ronaldo is so ‘cool and hot.’ “Honestly, he looks really maila,” she said. Sehrish Khan, however, thinks that Ronaldo is the ‘sexiest halal piece of ass’ that she has ever seen, and thinks that it is absolutely adorable when he cries.

Schools across the sub-continent have taken notice of this phenomenon and are thinking of reversing it by promoting local heroes. DPS-Farakka, a famous school in New Delhi, has put up posters of Sehwag in its halls, while various branches of City School across Pakistan are plastering pictures of Azhar Mahmood and Danish Kaneria. “It’s not alcohol or drugs that are corrupting our youth,” said Mrs. Mujahid, Head Mistress of Karachi Grammar School. “Rather, it’s our students’ obsession with the EPL that is negatively influencing their young minds.”

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September 7, 2009

Fazlur Rehman: Disgusting Behavior Turning Away Worshippers

Fazlur Rehman at a press conference, issuing a political fatwa against body uncleansliness. Source: http://pakistantimes.net/2004/07/04/fazl-pakistan-opposition.jpg

Fazlur Rehman at a press conference, issuing a political fatwa against body uncleansliness. Source: http://pakistantimes.net/2004/07/04/fazl-pakistan-opposition.jpg

Faisalabad, Pakistan: The Ministry of Religious Affairs has banned people who pray taraweeh if they eat cholay, dahi baday, and samosay for iftaar. In a surprising and unprecedented move, the ministry ordered the police to conduct a breathalyzer test on all men and women entering the mosques for taraweeh in order to ensure that worshippers respect the mosque and the people around them.

Maulana Fazlur Rehman, who is an advisor to the ministry, said yesterday in a press conference that “It is absolutely disgusting what goes on during taraweeh. People are burping left and right and one can tell who ate what and how much during iftaar. You think twice before burping in front of your parents or boss, but these shameless people burp, pass gas, and scratch below their belts/naras when standing in front of Allah. Lahol Wala!”

Hamza, a 16 year old student who regularly prays taraweeh at the Shah Ahmed Mosque in Faisalabad, told Maila Times that praying taraweeh is absolutely ‘hilarious’. “It seems like the uncle in the row in front of me is having a ‘who can be the most disgusting competition’ with the uncle standing next to me,” said Hamza. “Yaar, the combination of cholay and keemay ke samosay is the ultimate nuclear weapon,” he explained.

In a recent study, researchers from King Edward Medical College measured harmful gases surrounding mosques during taraweeh prayers. The research confirmed that gases during taraweeh prayers are sometimes at ‘dangerous levels’ – unfit for human survival. Dr. Kabir Munawwar, director of the research team, said that children are especially vulnerable and can suffocate if things do not change. He welcomed that Ministry’s initiative and said that the move will save hundreds of lives across the country.

In related news, pandemonium ensued at the Jamia Masjid in Lahore when several male congregates forgot to wear deodorant, causing several attendees to pass out and call the police to investigate a possible chemical agent attack. The masjid, located in Defence Housing scheme’s Sector-W and across the street from Beaconhouse school system, was swiftly evacuated during Jumma. The imam of the masjid has filed an FIR and the case is pending further investigation from the appropriate authorities.

Commenting on the incident, Mr. Rehman said that body odor is also a common problem at mosques, especially during the summer. Mr. Rehman said that in fact, religious leaders all across Pakistan are running an anti-body odor campaign, by handing out free deodorant sprays and sticks outside of mosque entrances in order to attract more people to come pray. Religious scholars are afraid that foul body odor is the main reason why people do not come to the mosque to pray. “By promoting good smells, we can get more people to come to the mosque,” said Council of Religious Promotion chairman Abdullah ul-Hassan Saeed, who also works for the ministry. “We have to create an environment conducive to praying, and if we can eliminate whiffs from sweat induced armpit body odor, than we can build a wonderful umma.”

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September 1, 2009

Report: Male ‘Honor Killings’ Continue to Plague Balochistan

Humad and Mehreen shown here, taken from a videograb an hour before they disappeared into the poppy fields.

Murad and Mehreen shown here, taken from a videograb an hour before they disappeared into the poppy fields. Source: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L4HQD135_n4

Quetta, Balochistan: Balochistan witnessed another disturbing ‘honor killing’ yesterday when several female members of the Badezai and Marri tribes stoned and then buried alive male members from the Badezai tribe. Clan elders of both tribes told reporters that a young couple were found in a ‘compromising position’ in a poppy field, and that their frivolous frolicking behavior had brought shame upon the two tribes.

It was reported that Murad Badezai and Mehreen Marri were found together in a secluded poppy field late last night by a female member of the Badezai clan while she was out for a romantic walk with her boyfriend. The female member of the Badezai tribe, who wishes to remain anonymous, said that she saw Murad’s ankles exposed and noticed Mehreen’s eyes “twinkling lustfully under the starlight.” She also went on to say that she saw Murad and Mehreen whispering and giggling amongst each other. Murad and Mehreen were allegedly holding hands at the time of the incident and that Murad was delicately stroking Mehreen’s hair. After catching them red handed, the female member of the Badezai tribe and her boyfriend tied up Murad and dragged him back to the Badezai village of Panjpai.

Village elders of the Badezai clan invited over prominent female members from the Marri clan for a joint jirga, where they unanimously decided to bury alive and then stone Murad  for breaking Islamic and tribal law. However, they were willing to let Murad prove his innocence first by walking on a pair of burning coals for 10 minutes – if his feet burned, then he is guilty; otherwise, he is innocent. As expected, Murad failed the burning coals test, and was promptly declared guilty in the eyes of Allah. Murad was also unable to produce the eight witnesses needed to claim rape charges. “It was swift justice,” said Jameela Badezai, a respected elder of the Badezai clan. When asked why Mehreen got to go scotch-free, Mrs. Badezai said “Well obviously it was Murad who was trying to make sinful advances on innocent Mehreen – this is not a double standard, these are the facts.” The next morning, several hundred female members of both clans got together and buried Murad up to his head, after which they started to slowly stone him to death.

However, that wasn’t enough – reports indicate that village elders decided that Murad’s family was now a liability to their respective tribes. Another jirga convened, where village elders debated the fate of Murad’s family. Suggestions included throwing acid on their faces, letting dogs eat them alive, or parading them naked to the Afghanistan border. It was finally decided that all of the male members of Murad’s family under the age of 10 would be married off to 90 year old widows from the Marri tribe. “This is the only true way to restore the honor of our family and to ensure that our tribes do not go to war over this infraction,” said a female tribal elder of the Marri tribe. The eight young male members of Murad’s family were swiftly rounded up, and in front of seven witnesses, a local mullah gave his marital blessings and warned the boys to never come back.

After the incident, several human rights lawyers and watchdog groups, including Amnesty International and Oxfam, publicly condemned the killing of Murad, calling it “another step in the perpetual injustice by the misinterpretation and false application of archaic tribal codes.” Asma Jehangir, a prominent human rights lawyer, has also condemned the killings and has asked the government to look into the matter.

In a brief statement issued to the press, President Zardari said in a statement saying that he has appointed a special investigative commission, headed by Senator Israrullah Zehri & MNA Mir Hazar Khan Bajarani. The statement went on to say that “Given Senator Zehri’s excellent record on human rights in Balochistan, coupled with MNA Bajarani’s vast experience in the fair treatment of women, I pledge that the revenge of democracy will bring an end to the hideous practice of male ‘honor killings.’”

[MT: The idea of writing a story about honor killings was submitted by an anonymous reader.]

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August 27, 2009

Aunty: My Son is Better Than Your Son…Damn Right, He’s Better Than Yours

Mrs. Azam with her son. Source: http://www.flickr.com/photos/urooj/2321817495/

Mrs. Azam with her son. Source: http://www.flickr.com/photos/urooj/2321817495/

Karachi, Pakistan: Yesterday evening, two women were hospitalized at Jinnah Hospital with serious life threatening injuries after a ‘gupshup’ session turned ugly. Mrs. Azam, a resident of Defence Phase V, had invited her friend Mrs. Shakeel over for a friendly evening of ‘chai and chitchat.’ However after a few minutes, their social gathering turned into an ugly fight when after defending their sons’ honor, harsh words and bodily blows were exchanged, which sent both women to the emergency room.

Police at the local district thana are still not sure what exactly happened or how two women from an upper class neighborhood could get themselves into such an unruly brawl. Mrs. Azam’s cook Shaukat Pirzada explained to Maila Times that while offering samosay and chai to her guest, Mrs. Azam commented on how her 15 year old son is doing so well in school. Mrs. Shakeel rudely interrupted her and said “Acha but mera beta Ali apni class mein first aaya.” According to Mr. Pirzada, Mrs. Azam’s facial expression seemed to reveal that that she did not like the way that she was rudely interrupted, so she went on to explain that her son not only come first in his class, but that he also recently became his school’s cricket team captain.

Mrs. Shakeel replied by saying “Acha, magar meray betay ne abhi recently Pakistan junior team ke liye tryout kia aur usnei 5 wickets li aur 100 runs score kiye.” Not impressed, Mrs. Azam went on to say that her son is in top physical condition and that her son had just got his SAT scores and that he had scored a 2300. Mrs. Shakeel, who is not too familiar with the SAT test, retorted back, “Haan but mera beta tau phir bhi class mein first aaya na. When my son will give his SAT, he will easily get 5600!” Mrs. Azam, not ready to accept defeat yet, pulled out the ultimate card by declaring that a wealthy politician had come by to her house earlier asking to set up an arranged marriage with her son and with his foreign educated daughter. Mrs. Shakeel, whose izzat was now on the line, proclaimed that her 13 year old son has already been promised to three beautiful young girls and that she is ‘confident’ that he will be able to produce several grand children.

Mrs. Azam, flushed with anger, started listing all of the prizes and awards that her son had won since 1st grade. She then went on to say that her son has been accepted to a prestigious summer program in London, and that her son had already read the Quran eight times. Mrs. Shakeel, trying to not lose her temper, responded by saying “Oh how lovely, magar mera beta started to fast at the age of three and has already memorized the entire Quran.” According to Mr. Pirzada, by then Mrs. Azam was fed up with her guest and threw a hard punch at Mrs. Shakeel, who responded by pulling Mrs. Azam’s hair. According to Mrs. Azam’s neighbors, Mrs. Shakeel called Mrs. Azam a ‘Kutti Kameeni’ and said that her samosays were ‘stale.’ Several inaudible insults were spoken, although Mr. Pirzada did say that he picked up the word ‘Rundi’ and ‘Gushti’ and ‘2nd-class wife.’ After exchanging blows to the face, fighting continued for an additional ten minutes before Mr. Pirzada and Mrs. Azam’s chowkidar managed to separate the two women. As of the time this report was filed, Mrs. Azam is in a coma and Mrs. Shakeel continues to remain on life support.

Upon hearing the  news, Federal Secretary for the Ministry of Women Development Mrs. Sardo  Lashari said that they will look into the matter once the government announces a minister for their ministry. However, Mrs. Lashari did say that the government is currently working on a system that can fairly and accurately rank the accomplishments of young sons so that bragging rights in the future can be ‘firmly established’ to avoid future incidents.

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