October 16, 2009...6:24 am

Khan-Ahmed Bill to Provide Massive Foreign Aid to American People

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Caption: Senator Maulana Gul Naseeb Khan, seen here promoting friendship between the United States and Pakistan. Source: http://www.senate.gov.pk/images/Members/GulNaseeb12.jpg

Caption: Senator Maulana Gul Naseeb Khan, seen here promoting friendship between the United States and Pakistan. Source: http://www.senate.gov.pk/images/Members/GulNaseeb12.jpg

Islamabad: The Pakistani Parliament today signed into law the Khan-Ahmed Bill to promote the un-wielding, life-long, and un-testable relationship between the people of Pakistan with the democratic institutions and military of the United States of America. The bill, sponsored by Senators Maulana Gul Naseeb Khan from NWFP and Senator Hafiz Rasheed Ahmed from FATA, was unanimously signed into law amidst hollering and fist-thumping jubilation in the Senate, and demonstrates the ‘undying commitment’ of Pakistan’s support for the United States. Despite the passage of the bill, however, there have been widespread demonstrations against the bill by the American public, calling it a ‘slap in the face’ and ‘peanuts.’

The Khan-Ahmed Bill came about due to widespread criticism from the American public’s perception of Pakistan’s policies towards the North American region, which has continuously undermined Pakistan’s ability to effectively implement their foreign policy goals towards Canada, Mexico, and the United States. The American public has distrusted Pakistanis and their motives since the Cold War, accusing Pakistan of purposely opening ‘several gas stations and convenience stores’ as fronts for the ISI for global hegemony. “They don’t really care about us,” said former Senator Chuck Hagel. “They are attacking the Christian world for their own motives,” said Senator Hagel, “And are using us as a client-state to further the Pakistani agenda, whatever that may be.”

The bill, as passed by the senate, calls for Pakistan to send 1.5 billion pounds of mangoes, 300 million pounds of Lipton chai, 200 million Molty Foam mattresses, 100 million pounds of Nirala sweets, 50 million packs of Tuc Biscuits, 10 million bottles of Kala Kola Hair Color, and 5 million pairs of Bata Shoes annually for the next ten years. “It’s a great way for the American people to know that they are on the forefront of our minds,” said Senator Muhammad Talha Mahmood. “In addition to addressing American concerns, this generous show of foreign aid also allows Pakistani producers access to American markets, which is a win-win situation for everyone,” said Senator Talha. Senator Afia Zia also echoed Senator Talha’s sentiments, saying that “Pakistan’s commitment of foreign aid to the democratic institutions and to the people of America demonstrates our sincerity towards having a better relationship with ‘Joe the Plumber,’ rather than the Pentagon and CIA.”

Despite the influx of foreign aid, Americans are still extremely wary of the bill, saying that it doesn’t do enough to reconcile the rocky relationship between the two countries. “The influx of Pakistani goods undermines the ability of American capitalism to function properly,” said a Wall Street analyst. Sarah Jenkins, a state congresswoman of Maine, denounced the bill as undermining the respect and sovereignty of the United States. Other politicians and political analysts are also angry that the bill is conditional upon ‘evaluations’ by Pakistani auditors. The auditors will do monthly evaluations on the ‘level of democracy’ in the country, the amount of military aid that the United States provides to Israel, the continued assimilation of African American’s into society, and the general amount of sexuality that permeates American television and social gatherings. If the United States is unable to control the previous mentioned stipulations, then Pakistan will accordingly reduce the amount of Rooh Afza that it exports, as well as reduce access for Hollywood actresses to child refugees in Pakistan.

The outrage of the bill has sparked rumors that President Obama will be replacing American Ambassador to Pakistan Anne Patterson for undisclosed reasons. Rush Limbaugh, a prominent conservative political pundit, believes that the Pentagon has pressured President Obama to replace the Ambassador, as she was “Unable to look out for the military’s and country’s interests.”

Despite the reservations, President Obama has welcomed the bill. Citing the preamble of the bill, President Obama said that the bill “Shows the un-dying commitment of friendship, mutual respect, enhanced understanding, life-long camaraderie, pursuit of mutual and long-term interests of not just the governments and military, but between the people of the two respective nations, and the tangible platonic love between them.”

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