Maila Times

Remnants of the traffic incident, shown here moments after it happened. Source: http://img.metblogs.com/lahore/files/2009/01/lahore_superman.jpg

Lahore, Pakistan: Police officials reported yesterday that strangely for the first time in Lahore’s history, people temporarily followed the traffic laws, resulting in mass confusion and several accidents. The report said that at 3:35 PM at the intersection of Main Boulevard and Jail Road, all of the cars present at the traffic stop obeyed the red lights, respectfully and obediently waiting their turn to move forward, did not obnoxiously honk their horns, did not yell abusive curse words in Urdu, or try to overtake in the wrong direction. However, by following the traffic rules, people at the intersection were confused by the sudden sense of orderliness, causing a massive pile up of cars, donkey carts, rickshaws, bicycles, and motorcycles.

Akber Imtiaz, the traffic cop who was on duty at the time of the incident, said that he noticed something was strange when he did not have to blow into his whistle or make gestures with his arms telling cars to stop. “It was as if everyone was all of a sudden possessed by a jinn telling them to obey the law,” said Mr. Imtiaz. “I found myself there just scratching my head and confused as to how or rather why everyone stopped at the red light.” Traffic statistics indicate that it takes the average Pakistani to stop at a red light 15 seconds after the red light comes on. However, Mr. Imtiaz noticed that the cars stopped right when the lights turned yellow. “I got so confused that I had to call for backup with my walkie-talkie, but unfortunately no one else was able to come in time as they were busy collecting bribes…I mean protecting our citizens.”

Photographs taken from security cameras nearby combined with satellite images taken at the time of the incident show that there were approximately 30 vehicles involved at the intersection when the incident occurred. The images also indicate that all street beggars at the time lined up on the sidewalk, instead of lingering on the streets. After everyone followed the laws, however, the commuters all of a sudden decided to make a mad dash, resulting in a huge pile up that left 15 people injured, including an innocent coconut wala selling coconut bits on the sidewalk.

Karim Khan, who was the first car to stop at the stop light, said he had felt a sudden urge to follow the law. “Coordinated chaos in this country cannot sustain itself forever,” said Mr. Khan. “Sooner or later, we’re going to all have to follow the law!” Mr. Khan’s actions spurred on fellow drivers to not rush and slow down at the light. According to eyewitnesses, there were no cars or other vehicles honking their way through the red light. “It was as if an aura had descended from heaven upon the intersection,” said one bystander.

It appears though that after the momentarily lapse in sane judgment amidst the confusion, everyone decided to revert back to the status quo and press onto the accelerator. Once the plume of smoke subsided, tangled wreckage was seen all over the intersection. “In the future, I will no longer follow the law,” said Mrs. Rizvi, who was driving a Honda City during the incident. “If we had just driven the way that we always do, then this would have never happened.”

The incident has sparked an internal investigation by Interior Minister Rehman Malik, who has refused to comment on any speculations as to why this strange event occurred, but sources indicate that Mr. Malik privately blames elements within the ISI in rigging the light to hypnotize travelers in obeying the law.