Maila Times

"Seen here is Mr. Khalid as he navigates his way through security." Source: http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/ABPub/2010/01/04/2010698356.jpg

Karachi, Pakistan: In an attempt to increase market share and revenue, Pakistan International Airlines (PIA) will target Pakistani passengers who have switched over to competitors, in an effort to bring them back to the national carrier. PIA’s revenue has been declining for the last few years due to poor customer service and mismanagement. The airline has also been outperformed by its competitors, including Air Blue, Emirates and Etihad. Executives at the national carrier say that this unique move will help PIA to get a hold of its core Pakistani consumers and turnaround the company’s fortune. Spokesman at the Ministry of Tourism are also pleased, saying that PIAs focus on improving their services will be a great way to display the ‘true’ nature and beauty of Pakistanis all over the world.

Arsalan Khalid, a thirty-three year old technician from Sargodha, has been named as the model passenger that PIA will try to bring back to the airline. Mr. Khalid said that he is ecstatic that PIA has decided to use him as a role model and will fly exclusively on PIA from now on. According to an internal PIA memo leaked to our correspondent, PIA believes that after Mr. Khalid’s last trip, Mr. Khalid’s demeanor represents a “cultured, well rounded, Pakistani gentleman,” and that PIA would be the perfect airline for people like him.

According to the memo, Mr. Khalid travelled from Abu Dhabi to Lahore on Etihad Airways in December. Mr. Khalid was returning from his first ever trip outside of Pakistan, where he was visiting one of his distant relatives. According to airport officials at Abu Dhabi International airport, Mr. Khalid had brought several pieces of luggage with him, including a shoddy crate of fruits, a pile of clothes tied and bundled into a white cloth, and an assortment of gifts, sweets, and Armani t-shirts packed into a bright pink 1970s style suitcase. After arguing at the check-in counter in a mishmash of broken English and Punjabi for why his luggage is not overweight and why he deserved a window seat, Mr. Khalid spent two hours going through security, and after several attempts, finally managed to find his boarding gate in Terminal 5. According to eye-witness accounts, Mr. Khalid was held up at security because the first time, he did not understand the concept of a ‘line’ and was yelled at by security officials for trying to cut in front of other passengers. On his second attempt, he did not know that he had to take off his belt and shoes, which resulted in further delays. On his third attempt, he forgot to take out the coins in his pocket, resulting in the scanner machine beeping and flashing red.

A section of the memo said that on the flight from Abu Dhabi to Lahore, several female airhostesses were appalled by the way that Mr. Khalid was treating them. Veronica Nguyen, an airhostess on his flight, said that Mr. Khalid would “continuously be staring at my legs, and would annoyingly keep pushing the assistance button, asking for water, orange juice, and why the plane hasn’t landed yet.” Upon entering the aircraft, Mr. Khalid sat in the wrong seat twice, ignoring the notation on his boarding pass and getting into fights with several other passengers who were angry with Mr. Khalid for refusing to change seats. Jibran Ilyas, a passenger sitting next to Mr. Khalid, said that Mr. Khalid failed to put on any deodorant, kept crawling over him to go to the bathroom, tried to light a cigarette several times, and spilled his fish biryani all over his lap when there was turbulence. Moreover, Mr. Khalid asked Mr. Ilyas at least three times during the flight if he was also going to Lahore, and how come his wife lets him go on business trips alone every month.

Once the plane landed, Mr. Khalid quickly got out of his seat to remove his stowed carry-on luggage, despite the plane still being in taxi with the seat belt sign on. “Even though several of the air crew repeatedly told Mr. Khalid to sit down and wait for the plane to come to a complete stop, Mr. Khalid was adamant on taking his briefcase,” said air captain Hamid Imtiaz. Once at the airport, Mr. Khalid continued to cut lines at immigration. When asked to explain his rude behavior by a fellow passenger, Mr. Khalid cheekily smiled and said “Koi baat nahi yaar. Apna mulk hai.”

As part of the marketing strategy, PIA will also not have any queues at check-in counters. Passengers carrying pink suitcases and boxes tied up in ropes will get an extra 10% discount on their flight. Punjabi will be the ‘official’ language inside the aircraft, which means that that captain announcements and the safety instructions will all be in Punjabi. Airhostesses will be encouraged to flirt with the passengers and to make passengers more comfortable with their friendliness. It is reported that PIA will also completely get rid of their seat belts, understanding that their passengers already sneakily try to not wear them.

A spokesman for the airline said that “If Pakistanis want to promote our culture when they mingle with people from all around the world, then they might as well do it on the national carrier”. “We’re confident that by using Mr. Khalid as a role model for other passengers, PIA will be able to get back all of their passengers that have been switching over to other airlines.”