Report: Pakistani Men Are Sexy

A group of friends, fresh off from their earlier exploits

Lahore, Pakistan: A recent report carried out by the Institute of Desi Chemistry (IDC) found that Pakistani girls are attracted to not chivalry, good looks, and charm, but rather to young pubescent boys who drive around with tacky Indian music on full blast. The report, which randomly surveyed over 3000 females between the ages of 15-30, strongly confirms the widespread belief that the ‘cheapness’ displayed by Pakistani boys is actually sexy.

In addition to carrying out several field surveys, researches with the IDC scoped out several locations around the city of Lahore, including Liberty Market, McDonald’s Y-Block location, and Fortress Stadium. The researchers usually observed groups of 4-5 young men, wearing tight leather jeans and even tighter t-shirts, packed into tiny Suzuki Khybers. The researchers found that these young men would roll down their windows, have Bollywood music from the 1990’s interspersed with the song ‘Papi Chulo’ and ‘Chano’ playing at insanely high volumes, and would abrasively screech their tires. Nearby, groups of women would giggle in appreciation, and would usually encourage further similar behavior by their flirtatious glances.

Sadia Rahman, a student at Beaconhouse National University, said that she becomes extremely smitten when seeing the ‘no fear’ sticker on the back window of someone’s car. “It’s so masculine,” said Ms. Rahman, whose name has been changed to protect her identity. “It really demonstrates confidence in a man, and that’s something that my mother looks for when she is finding me husband.” When asked by the reporter which hairstyle looks the sexiest, she snapped back, “Abviaasly, when the guy puts oil in his hair and combs them straight back. Uff Allah they look like a combination of Brad Pitt and Shahrukh Khan.” Her friend and fellow classmate Reema Ali said that every Saturday when she visits McDonald’s in Y-Block Defense, she isn’t going there just to enjoy a chocolate milkshake, but rather to ‘poondi.’ “I love it when they drive round and round the drive-through,” said Ms. Ali. “And the music that they play is so romantic. I really just want to go and fall into their arms.”

Not everyone was convinced by the study. Jibran Khalid, an Economics student at LUMS, was perplexed at the study’s results. “Really, Pakistani girls like that? I thought they liked good manners and wanted us to keep our nazzar down when we walk by them.” Another student said that after reading the report, he is going to go buy the tightest fitting clothes that there is and is going to learn how to drive with one hand on the wheel and the other hand combing back his long hair.

Foreign women who were touring Lahore were quick to corroborate the report’s findings. Danielle Wilson, a 30 year old tourist from Muskegon, Michigan, said that young adult males “were extremely attractive with their chest hair seeping out of their v-neck tank tops.” Her sister, Julianne Hutchinson, who is an archeologist on loan from the Smithsonian Institute to oversee restoration work at Lahore Fort, said that the sense of style portrayed by young Pakistani men is so chic and sophisticated. “The way that they dress is so yummy,” said Ms. Hutchinson. “I just don’t understand why Pakistani men are so frustrated when they have women throwing themselves left and right all over them!”