Here is an image of the blueprint for the coup. Source: http://www.facebook.com/search/?q=pervez+musharraf&init=quick#!/pervezmusharraf?ref=search&sid=2231065.717778931..1

Karachi, Pakistan: Senior Jang and The News special amazing Pulitzer prize winning zabardast correspondent, Ansar Abbasi, has accused Retired General Pervez Musharraf of planning a 2^nd coup through his Facebook fan page. As a guest appearing in the television show ‘Meray Mutabiq,’ Mr. Abbasi accused Pervez Musharraf of receiving millions of dollars from the United States and the corporation ‘Facebook’  to further his “undemocratic militaristic and US agenda.”

Mr. Abbasi said that the 150,000 ‘fans’ of General Musharraf are mostly retired army personnel and CIA agents posing as young patriotic Pakistanis. “No Pakistani can support such a dictator who set the country back into the 1970s. He just wants to entice young Pakistani minds into believing that he will help solve all their problems.” When pressed by host Shahid Masood as to how exactly will the coup be executed, Mr Abbasi said “according to my and only my senior anonymous sources in the upper chambers in the corridors of Pakistani intelligence who are familiar with deciphering Facebook poke requests, the United States will drop Humvees in Islamabad via Chinook helicopters and with the help of the Israelis and the Indians drive Musharraf to the Army House.”

After saying his controversial remarks, Mr. Masood and his studio audience applauded Mr. Abbasi for his intellectualism. According to press handouts, Mr. Abbasi is a renowned investigative journalist who has uncovered hundreds of high profile cases. His achievements include finding the charsi (drug addict) who stole the gutter lid from outside the Supreme Court, he broke the news that Nawaz Sharif has had a hair transplant, and he uncovered that Rehman Malik uses Kala Kola Hair Color on a daily basis. According to rumors, his coveted and hidden sources include the Chief Justice’s driver, a chai wala at the Presidency, Nawaz Sharif’s cook, and a bar tender at a retired 4 star General’s house.

News of the coup has sent shock waves in the ‘smoke filled rooms of power’ and in world capitals around the world. The news comes at a sensitive time, as Turkey recently arrested several retired military personnel accused of orchestrating a similar plot. In light of the investigation, Ansar Abbasi is asking the government to appoint Chief Justice Iftikhar Muhammad Chaudhry as the President and Chief of Army Staff, and to appoint Retired Justice Ramday Air Chief Marshal on an ad hoc basis.

In a video message on his Facebook page, Mr. Musharraf vehemently and unequivocally rejected Mr. Abbasi’s claims, stating that “He will do only what is best for the country and what the people of Pakistan ask him to do – everything is up in the air.” Political strategists believe that Mr. Musharraf is indeed planning on another coup with the help of current General Kayani, but is just ‘waiting for the right time.’

Maila Times has learned that The News has decided to upgrade Mr. Abbasi’s editorials to actual ‘news’ items, and will devote the entire front page from now on to Mr. Abbasi. “We firmly believe that Mr. Abbasi deserves to have his own front page,” said an anonymous chairman of The News. “Mr. Abbasi is a breath of fresh air in a news environment plagued with quacks, faux intellectuals, arm-chair analysts, and random tools trying to make everyone believe that their inside sources are trust worthy. Mr. Abbasi has repeatedly demonstrated that he is above all of that.”

Javed Miandad, showing his passion for the game. Source: http://7.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_kurwtdiMrE1qaz0ebo1_500.jpg

Javed Miandad was kind enough to write an exclusive opinion piece on the state of Pakistani cricket for Maila Times. Here is his article, reproduced below:

To the glorious nation of Pakistani cricket fans,

Let’s just get it out in the open – I am the only hope for Pakistani cricket. I am a gem. I am the cure. I am the only hope. I am the savior. Only a true legend like me can bring us out of the deep hole that we are in.

What makes me qualified? Why, the simple fact that I am Pakistani, of course. Those gora coaches and trainers and physios don’t ‘understand’ Pakistani cricket. I mean, Inti is pretty much half British, so I wouldn’t call him a Pakistani – besides, he only won that world cup because I was the team’s best player. Also, no one loves Pakistan cricket more than I do, and love is the most powerful thing that anyone can have.

I need to be the coach of the Pakistan team. I also think that I should be the trainer. No, I know this. I have to also be the fielding coach. I have to be the batting coach. I have to be the bowling coach. I have to be the team psychologist. It is the only way to achieve team unity if I am appointed to all of these positions. I can handle it, really. It’s not like I’m too old or anything. Speaking of old, Wasim Bari is old. So are all of those other hacks in the PCB. In fact, I also need to be made chairman of the PCB. Yes, I know what you are thinking, and I am thinking the exact same thing. I should also be the chief and only selector, the chief financial officer, and the team manager. That way our boys will stay focused on and off the field.

Come to think of it, I think that I am going to come out of retirement now. In fact, I am going to be captain, because Pakistan needs a leader like me. Not a leader that quits like a baby every other day, or a leader who likes to eat on the job. We need a leader that can hit sixes off of the last ball. Did you guys even see that brilliant shot? Youtube it. I single handedly killed India in that game. You know what? We don’t need a playing 11 – I’ll be the playing 11. Other players are useless. I will be the bowlers, the batters, the fielders, and the wicket keeper all at the same time. Who needs Shahid Afridi or that young stud Umar Akmal when you got me? I guess Faisal Iqbal can play with me too. Not because he’s my nephew, but because he is the future after I leave. Trust me, it will work. I will win for our country without anyone’s help. Did I already say that I am a jewel?

All of you detractors don’t know anything. Sure, I might have a whiny voice and there are several viral video clips with my voice dubbed over silly things, but who cares? I am still the best player that Pakistan has ever had or will ever have. Who cares if my son is married to the daughter of an Indian terrorist that I will not name here but I think you all know who I am talking about? I am right in criticizing the team, the board, and the media every time we lose. That debacle in Australia was just sickening. It’s okay, though. I will restore this glorious nation to its’ peak again. To the people of Pakistan, I am your answer.

Javed Miandad
Supreme Awesome Cricket Player/Coach/Analyst/Chairman

Seen here is one of the faulty rickshaw. Source:http://www.worldtrucking.info/Laender/Pakistan/Pakistan_1/P1.15.JPG

Karachi, Pakistan: Qingqi, one of the world’s largest manufacturers of rickshaws, is recalling almost six million rickshaws from Pakistan. Qingqi, a Chinese based company, is recalling the rickshaws due to faulty assembly techniques, which has caused thousands of rickshaws to be pollutant and noise free.  The recall comes just days after the largest vehicle manufacturer Toyota recalled millions of its vehicles in Japan and the United States due to faulty breaks and accelerator parts.

Pakistani importers and rickshaw union members told Maila Times that they recently noticed that several rickshaws in their fleet did not produce the obnoxious noise and air pollution that they usually do. Imran Rashid, chairman of the Auto Rickshaw Enthusiast Association (AREA), said that he is concerned by the improved quality of rickshaws. “All of a sudden, people no longer want to ride in rickshaws because they are all of a sudden ‘sophisticated,’” said Mr. Rashid. “People love the thrill to sit in a rickshaw and hear that constant buzz of a dying engine, but they are no longer able to experience that.”

There have been at least thirty reported incidents of rickshaws acting abnormally, which has resulted in massive psychological damages to their passengers and drivers. Pakistan’s minister of the environment Hameed Ullah Jan Afridi said in a statement issued to the press that the appropriate authorities will look into the matter and that the passengers’ safety is of utmost importance to him. “Faulty rickshaws are a detriment to the growth of democracy,” said Mr. Afridi, and that “Those foreign elements who are tampering with our rickshaws and improving their quality will be found out and brought to justice.” When asked to clarify if he believed that Indian intelligence agents were the culprits behind the change, Mr. Afridi said that evidence will be provided at the ‘appropriate time.’

Ms. Shabnam, a Pakistani woman who regularly travels by rickshaw, was in one of the rickshaws that had a fault. On the FTC flyover in Karachi, Ms. Shabnam was enjoying her ride when all of a sudden she could hear her own thoughts and could hear the traffic around her. “We were squashed in the backseat, hardly going at 10 km/hr, when all of a sudden my ears just popped,” explained Ms. Shabnam. “All of a sudden, the road was no longer bumpy and there was enough leg room for me to sit comfortably – I blacked out as a result from the shock of tranquility.” Ms. Shabnam was taken to Jinnah Hospital where she was treated for minor injuries.

Many rickshaw drivers are not so sure if the problem lies with faulty production. It appears that recent legislation disallowing rickshaw drivers to drive with their feet on the side-view mirror has caused uneven weight distribution. Mr. Khan Wala, a rickshaw operator, told reporters that the new legislation has caused his rickshaw to not run properly, and that newly implemented safety standards, computerized fare systems, state of the art exhaust silencers, and the removal of funky paint designs and slogans is threatening the rickshaw industry.

Spokesman for Qingqi were quick to defend their production techniques, saying that Mr. Afridi is correct in blaming foreign elements and that the passage of new legislation, rather than their assembly lines that have caused their rickshaws to be faulty. The spokesman said that despite this, they are still recalling their rickshaws as a ‘precautionary measure,’ and reiterated that it is still safe to drive Qingqi rickshaws.

"Seen here is Mr. Khalid as he navigates his way through security." Source: http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/ABPub/2010/01/04/2010698356.jpg

Karachi, Pakistan: In an attempt to increase market share and revenue, Pakistan International Airlines (PIA) will target Pakistani passengers who have switched over to competitors, in an effort to bring them back to the national carrier. PIA’s revenue has been declining for the last few years due to poor customer service and mismanagement. The airline has also been outperformed by its competitors, including Air Blue, Emirates and Etihad. Executives at the national carrier say that this unique move will help PIA to get a hold of its core Pakistani consumers and turnaround the company’s fortune. Spokesman at the Ministry of Tourism are also pleased, saying that PIAs focus on improving their services will be a great way to display the ‘true’ nature and beauty of Pakistanis all over the world.

Arsalan Khalid, a thirty-three year old technician from Sargodha, has been named as the model passenger that PIA will try to bring back to the airline. Mr. Khalid said that he is ecstatic that PIA has decided to use him as a role model and will fly exclusively on PIA from now on. According to an internal PIA memo leaked to our correspondent, PIA believes that after Mr. Khalid’s last trip, Mr. Khalid’s demeanor represents a “cultured, well rounded, Pakistani gentleman,” and that PIA would be the perfect airline for people like him.

According to the memo, Mr. Khalid travelled from Abu Dhabi to Lahore on Etihad Airways in December. Mr. Khalid was returning from his first ever trip outside of Pakistan, where he was visiting one of his distant relatives. According to airport officials at Abu Dhabi International airport, Mr. Khalid had brought several pieces of luggage with him, including a shoddy crate of fruits, a pile of clothes tied and bundled into a white cloth, and an assortment of gifts, sweets, and Armani t-shirts packed into a bright pink 1970s style suitcase. After arguing at the check-in counter in a mishmash of broken English and Punjabi for why his luggage is not overweight and why he deserved a window seat, Mr. Khalid spent two hours going through security, and after several attempts, finally managed to find his boarding gate in Terminal 5. According to eye-witness accounts, Mr. Khalid was held up at security because the first time, he did not understand the concept of a ‘line’ and was yelled at by security officials for trying to cut in front of other passengers. On his second attempt, he did not know that he had to take off his belt and shoes, which resulted in further delays. On his third attempt, he forgot to take out the coins in his pocket, resulting in the scanner machine beeping and flashing red.

A section of the memo said that on the flight from Abu Dhabi to Lahore, several female airhostesses were appalled by the way that Mr. Khalid was treating them. Veronica Nguyen, an airhostess on his flight, said that Mr. Khalid would “continuously be staring at my legs, and would annoyingly keep pushing the assistance button, asking for water, orange juice, and why the plane hasn’t landed yet.” Upon entering the aircraft, Mr. Khalid sat in the wrong seat twice, ignoring the notation on his boarding pass and getting into fights with several other passengers who were angry with Mr. Khalid for refusing to change seats. Jibran Ilyas, a passenger sitting next to Mr. Khalid, said that Mr. Khalid failed to put on any deodorant, kept crawling over him to go to the bathroom, tried to light a cigarette several times, and spilled his fish biryani all over his lap when there was turbulence. Moreover, Mr. Khalid asked Mr. Ilyas at least three times during the flight if he was also going to Lahore, and how come his wife lets him go on business trips alone every month.

Once the plane landed, Mr. Khalid quickly got out of his seat to remove his stowed carry-on luggage, despite the plane still being in taxi with the seat belt sign on. “Even though several of the air crew repeatedly told Mr. Khalid to sit down and wait for the plane to come to a complete stop, Mr. Khalid was adamant on taking his briefcase,” said air captain Hamid Imtiaz. Once at the airport, Mr. Khalid continued to cut lines at immigration. When asked to explain his rude behavior by a fellow passenger, Mr. Khalid cheekily smiled and said “Koi baat nahi yaar. Apna mulk hai.”

As part of the marketing strategy, PIA will also not have any queues at check-in counters. Passengers carrying pink suitcases and boxes tied up in ropes will get an extra 10% discount on their flight. Punjabi will be the ‘official’ language inside the aircraft, which means that that captain announcements and the safety instructions will all be in Punjabi. Airhostesses will be encouraged to flirt with the passengers and to make passengers more comfortable with their friendliness. It is reported that PIA will also completely get rid of their seat belts, understanding that their passengers already sneakily try to not wear them.

A spokesman for the airline said that “If Pakistanis want to promote our culture when they mingle with people from all around the world, then they might as well do it on the national carrier”. “We’re confident that by using Mr. Khalid as a role model for other passengers, PIA will be able to get back all of their passengers that have been switching over to other airlines.”

Salik seen here, disgusted by the haraam clothes. Source: Dailytimes

Lahore, Pakistan: In an interesting turn of events, recent surveys conducted this winter during Pakistan’s wedding season show that weddings are no longer massive poondi fests. Shaadi halls, which were once known as the best arenas for Pakistan’s favorite national pastime, no longer carry the same purpose. This chaotic change of events has caused mass confusion amongst shaadi hall owners, resulting in billions of rupees in lost profits and a sharp decline in the average level of ‘shugal.’

According to the report, the majority of Pakistan males said that before, their one and only incentive to attend shaadis was to engage in the act of poonding. However, when asked to explain why the sudden lack of interest in ‘bachis,’ the two major reasons for the decline in poondi at shaadis was aggressive aunties trying to scope out future son in laws and  that Pakistani men have now developed a taste for ‘seedhi saadhi larkiyan.’ Bilal Malik, a Lahori who takes pride in checking out ‘bachis,’ told Maila Times that these days, he prefers young pious Muslim women. “Yaar, aaj kal it’s a total dry scene. Chikni bachiyan tho milthi hi nahin hain, Allah ka shukar. We used to go to shaadis to catch glimpses of skin, ankle, shoulder, anything, magar ab tho it’s so disgusting!” said Mr. Malik. Salik Hussain, also a once avid shaadi attendee, said that “I would sit in the Marriott lobby and wait to see which shaadi the hottest girls would go to. Then, I would rush to grab front row seats. Once, I found myself sitting right in front of a girl wearing a see through lace kameez doing a solo dance to ‘Zara Zara Touch Me,’ – it was the best moment of my life back then, but now I realize how haraam that is.”

However, political analysts who looked over the surveys said that the madness can be attributed to female shaadi attendees no longer wearing sexy backless saris, spaghetti strap kameezes, and risqué white lace suits,’ rather than a change in male tastes.  Analysts at the Institute of Poondi Research (IPR) remarked that they have also noticed the change of behaviour by Pakistan men. Nadim Khan, a spokesman for the IPR, said that men no longer are whispering remarks such as “Baby choose me, baby choose me,” and no longer make kissing noises every time a girl walks by at shaadis. “They think that women would rather be treated with respect and kindness,” said Mr. Khan. “Now days, men never bring out any launda ways at weddings. Poondi is a Western phenomenon that was picked up by our youth after watching TV shows such as Jersey Shore.”

It also appears as though Pakistani females are no longer feeling the love. “I used to hate it when guys would whistle at me every time I left the house. But now, after the lack of attention, I don’t feel pretty anymore and it’s really made me depressed,” says Zainab Ali, a frequent shaadi attendee. Saira Ahmad, a dutiful friend who dances at weddings, says that “I don’t get any sort of appreciation for my skimpy clothing. No one tries elbowing me in my chest or grabbing my behind. I don’t even hear a single whistle. What’s the point of wearing barely anything, when no one acknowledges me? I used to despise it when videographers would upload my videos on You Tube, but now, I feel that a certain part of my life is missing.” When asked about what they will now do to attract Pakistani men, Zainab and Saira agree that they should sport oily hair, have acne filled makeup-less faces, and wear conservative flower/heart printed shalwar kameezes. “The outfits that my mother chooses and approves for me seem to be the sexiest now,” said Aisha Tariq, a student at LGS Defence who used to bring the boys to the yard. “She was right – mother does know best.”

[MT: This story was submitted by JR]